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June, 2005 By: *~Victoria~* Submitted: 5/28/2005 Proof that the Universe loves irony It's June! Time to kick up your feet and welcome the coming of Summer. This is also the time of year we all need to start getting ready for bikini season. Now, if you're a man all this means is that you're going to be getting a new pair of mirrored sunglasses. It's a much more complicated process for women. For one thing, June marks the time most of us embark on some sort of no carb protein diet to try to rid ourselves of the extra pounds that crept up onto our hips and thighs as our bodies prepared themselves for extremes of cold in the minus 20's (or was that just mine?). Which is a real shame, because did you know that June 8th is National Jelly Filled Donut Day? This day is more of a religious holiday to our family, being a major part of our essential spirituality, and is always afforded every ceremony. Therefore, in the name of piety, I have long ago decided to give up on trying to look like Miss Universe every summer. Besides, I'm beginning to think that 'Miss Universe' thing is a shill. Did you ever notice the winners are always earthlings?? So I'll continue to celebrate summer as I always have...kneeling in a Krispy Kreme and thanking God for the new raspberry truffle. I just hope God isn't Japanese, because I always pray in English. This month, I'd like to talk about a serious addiction. It's an addiction many of you have. Alas, I have it, too. An addiction that takes us away from our work, our meals, our families, and can cost thousands of dollars a year. You know what I'm talking about. Aquabid. Here, at one convenient location, are all the bettas you could ever want, a worldwide fish sale open 24 hours a day. My own Aquabid addiction started out innocently enough. I typed in 'Green HM' and voilà! - 28 matches. I felt like a kid in a candy store, Jolly Ranchers and Cow Tails stretched out for miles and every one of them calling my name. So I registered a username, created a password, and proceeded to bid my brains out. After loading up on green halfmoons, I decided to do some live food shopping, followed by a foray into aquatic plants. And then I saw him. A Monster Finned tricolor OHM from Asia...perfect bands of red, white, and blue with finnage to die for. The fish looked like a fluffy Memorial Day carnation. Man, it was a good day. I have an inherent weakness for red, white, and blue bettas. I entered my username and password and bid $35.51 just to be safe. The auction would end in 26 minutes, so I broke for lunch. When I returned 25 minutes later, my bid stood strong. Mr. Carnation was all mine. As I daydreamed about the little miniature red/white/blues I would soon be creating, I HAD (1) NEW MESSAGE. I checked the inbox and found a message from Aquabid -- someone had outbid me for the fish. You're kidding! What kind of person would do that to a woman who has found happiness in a fish?? I stormed back to raise my bid, where I found the following message: 'This auction is closed. Winning bidder is ahole@hotmail.com.' My jaw dropped. My knuckles whitened. My eyes popped out the way they do when a postal worker shakes my box labeled 'Live Fish'. Could he do that, just wait until the last second and outbid me?? If I were sick, I would have sent him a virus. I contacted Mark at Aquabid, and he said that bidders were permitted to do that. Any schmo with a username could do it! At which point I lost my mind. I scoured Aquabid for new and better bettas. I tracked down MG HMs, Multicolor DTs, Thai Flag CTs. I bid on everything with a vengeance. I bid on fish I didn't even want just so other people couldn't have them. Recovering from my tirade, I felt compensated, as if my ego had finished a seventeen-course meal. I had outbid the whole wide world. Then something curious happened: YOU'VE GOT (57) NEW MESSAGES! I was winning bids left and right. I won red super deltas and yellow plakats, a green 'split tail' with red wash, a trio of wild-caught imbellis. The calculator said that I owed more money than I would earn this year, plus overseas shipping. Invoices poured in telling me where to send my checks. Some offered PayPal. Others demanded money orders. I tried to pretend it was all a bad dream the way I did in '99 when I got a divorce. Two weeks later...162 messages waited for me. They began as introductions and friendly reminders, then worked themselves into threats about my reputation and ultimately to attacks on my lineage. I have to admit, I cracked. I started writing checks and filling out money orders, sending payment after payment after payment through Paypal on my credit card. And it wasn't just a matter of paying the $15.00 - $30.00 for a fish. Most of the fish on Aquabid came from Asian betta farms, so we're looking at the $5.00 import fees, the reshipping fees (most transshippers fluff those up with packaging and import charges); in the end, shipping for each individual fish came out to more than what the winning bid was in the first place. I was broke, and had nothing but a trillion floating doilies to show for it. Now...my husband is a spokesman for Blow Your Money, Inc. He - Justin - drives a little green 5-speed and spends every spare cent he gets on movies, fine cuisine, and living. I, on the other hand, am the one who usually pinches every dime and reuses plastic Zip-Loc bags. So it is understandable that I expected just a little compassion from the man who thinks a good way to spend $500.00 is a weekend road trip to Charleston, 'Just to smell the ocean'. That isn't what I got. Instead, what I got was this: Him: 'Want to catch a movie tonight?' Me: 'Sure...do you have money in your account?' Him: 'I thought you had $xxxx.xx in your account?' Me: (sheepishly) 'I did, but I paid a bill instead.' Him: 'What bill? Thought we were paid up.' Me: (toeing the carpet) 'Errrrmmm...imported fish.' Him: (briefest of pauses) 'Unless you're talking about Tasmanian Salmon Steak, we have a problem.' Talk about hypocrisy! I didn't say a word to him when he brought home that four foot high Nutcracker Pirate (which will soon be in the basement, along with all of his other contributions to the decor that are too precious to risk displaying). Anyway...if any of you have learned a lesson from all this, it's BUY FROM THE BREEDER! Put the fish in the shopping cart and PRESTO, he's yours. No more bidding wars. No more importation fees. You can reintroduce yourself to your boss, your kids, your spouse. Just make sure you hide the new arrivals before your beloved gets home from work. *For the purposes of privacy, Betty Splendens will ship all packages containing betta-life in unmarked boxes* And now... Who needs a Masked Avenger plakat, Sam? When you could have NAKED ZORRO! Father's Day is coming! And every Dad wants one of these! Or one of these. Okay, I'm not saying this is funny. But it's definitely the headline of the month...having arbitrarily discarded this one, that is. Hmph. Whatever happened to the good ol' days when Virgin Mothers were the only things appearing on toast? GO BREED BETTER BETTAS!

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Folks, I am still having trouble with my email, specifically messages that are not being delivered or are being delivered several days late. If you suspect your email was not received, PLEASE resend your email or try my alternate email address: bettysplendens@gmail.com. I promise I am not ignoring anyone. AOL addresses seem to be the most affected.

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